The Debate

place: Candyland

time: now

CHARACTERS:

MODERATOR

MAYOR MCCHEESE

LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE

SAM I AM

HAMLET

This play is a parody of the four main characters.

A Moderator is sitting at a desk, facing the four candidates. They are Mayor McCheese, Little Orphan Annie, Sam I Am, and Hamlet.

MODERATOR

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us for the 2013 Presidential debate. We will begin by introducing the candidates, allowing them to speak for a minute, and then we’ll begin the questioning. We have rolled the dice to determine who goes first. Mayor, you’re up.

MAYOR MCCHEESE

Thank you, Moderator, and let me first say thank you to the people of Cupcake University for allowing us to hold this debate and for the people at home watching us. My name is Mayor McCheese, and I am running for the President of Candy Land because I have been an effective Mayor for the last eight years and I believe I can bring my style of efficiency and my record of success to the highest office. God bless Candy Land.

LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE

Yes, ditto on the thank yous. I am Little Orphan Annie, and I am running because I believe in transparency. For too long our Candyland government has been secretive and has kept top information from us. Why are we passing these crazy bills that limit my personal choice of candy? I believe we should end this hard-knock life and usher in a new deal for Candy Land, and once I’m in office, I think you’re gonna like it here. I am Annie, and the sun WILL come out tomorrow.

SAM I AM

I am Sam, Sam I am, and I like to eat green eggs and ham.

Beat.

MODERATOR

Is that it?

SAM I AM

I want to bring, good food to schools, so when the bells ring, our kids won’t still be fools. Fools they are, fools they’ll be, if we don’t start to serve, foods that are part of a diet that’s healthy.

MODERATOR

Thank you, Sam. And now our final candidate, Hamlet.

HAMLET

I want to kill my uncle.

Beat.

MODERATOR

Is that it? Because, that’s not really the point of the presidency.

HAMLET

With the presidency comes great power, which I could use at such a crucial hour. To be the president or not to be, to be kind or to use an iron hand, the question is whether I want to rule Candy Land. ‘Tis nobler in the hearts of men, to legislate with my fountain pen, but should I write laws on my pad, or do I go out and avenge my dad?

MODERATOR

So you don’t even know if you want to be president?

HAMLET

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for my horse!

MODERATOR

I don’t actually think you’re the one who says that.

HAMLET

Out out darn spot!

MODERATOR

Okay, I think you’re done. Now for questions. Mayor McCheese. Not to be indelicate, but how do we know that you won’t take office, and then melt?

MAYOR MCCHEESE

Great question. Look, I’ve been facing the threat of becoming goo for all my life. The number of people who have made fun of me, calling me moldy, or stating such derogatory remarks as I wish you would just go and stuff yourself into a mozzarella stick-(holds back tears) I’m not even that kind of cheese. I am a good old-fashioned cheddar, and as part of my presidency I will do all I can to stick up for those who have also been hurt. The candies that have long been second choice, left in vending machines until they are stale. The Kit-Kats, the Bits O’ Honey. These are candies that deserve every bit of the respect we give to the Hershey’s and the Twixes.

MODERATOR

Clearly, a sensitive subject. Little Orphan Annie, people want to know- you grew up poor and parentless, but has your subsequent adoption by Daddy Warbucks resulted in your losing touch with the common candy?

LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE

Of course not, Moderator. Look, I grew up eating cold gruel. Nobody cared if I got kisses or got kicked. I had to escape through laundry. I had to scrub those floors until they shined like the top of the Crysler building. That’s something you don’t forget. I too will stand up for the little guy, but I’ll also be an advocate for the poor, creating a much stronger safety net so no hard or chocolate candy will be left behind. I want to make families stronger and ensure that all young candies grow up in loving homes. Remember, the sun WILL come out tomorrow.

MODERATOR

Thank you. Sam I Am, the people want to know- are you going to be able to focus on your presidency, when you are so obsessed with your green eggs and ham?

SAM I AM

Yes, I love my green eggs and ham, and yes, I love them here, there, and everywhere. But my focus will not be pulled from the candies, whether they are Caramellos or Andes. And I would like to, right here and now, announce an important vow, to install Mr. Willy Wonka as my right hand man, if anyone can revive this economy, this candy man can. He is a jobs creator who with excellence is obsessed. He will help me to lead this Land back to success.

MODERATOR

Ooh, upping the stakes. And finally, Mr. Hamlet.

HAMLET

The presidency’s the thing, in which I will catch the king.

MODERATOR

I actually didn’t ask a question. The people need to know- will your association with Ophelia be a burden on your leadership?

HAMLET

My decision making she will not delay, for she will get herself to a nunnery right away.

MODERATOR

Thank you very much, to all candidates for their candor and commitment to the office. On behalf of all the citizens of Candyland, I look forward to the election.

Blackout. End of play.