The Hungry Games

place: Nation CC

time: 3072

CHARACTERS:

PRESIDENT SLUSH

ASSISTANT

ANOTHER ASSISTANT

ANNOUNCER

TAYLOR SWIFT

USAIN BOLT

BATMAN

EMMIE

NUTMEG

This play is a very silly parody of The Hunger Games, featuring characters the students selected.


Nation CC, 3072. Dawn is about to break as the townsfolk sit nervously in white chairs in front of a screen. They await the most important, and frightening, day of the year. Silence, until the screen starts playing.

PRESIDENT SLUSH

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for gathering here today. I appreciate your forced volunteerism. Today marks the day of the reaping, everyone’s favorite activity of the fall season, a chance to harvest our best and brightest and allow them to honor this nation. For anyone new to the reaping, or to Nation CC, let me welcome you by explaining our special day.

He brings up his Assistant, who reads off a scroll.

ASSISTANT

Beginning in the 1970’s, the people of the world started to ignore the warning signs from our planet. Our earth told us it was ill and instead of slowing down to help, we hastened its decline. Before we knew it, we had run out of flour, sugar, and cocoa beans. But there was one company that had preserved some of this, and that company is Slushie Express, run by our very own President Slush.

She passes to Another Assistant.

ANOTHER ASSISTANT

Without flour, sugar, and cocoa, people became sad and angry. Mobs started to form. So President Slush decided to use some of his precious resources to give back to this nation and to once again give it hope. So each year, we choose several celebrities to compete to the death for a baked good, one that will be revealed only at the end of the competition. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 67th Annual Hungry Games!

Back on President Slush.

PRESIDENT SLUSH

I must leave you now, but I do hope you’ll enjoy our games and the celebrities whom we will send forth. Wait just a moment and they will be announced. Thank you.

Film ends. Audience continues to wait. Then, an announcer declares-

ANNOUNCER

Competitor number one - Usain Bolt.

The screen fills with information about Usain Bolt and he walks forth. He stands next to the screen.

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)

Competitor number two - Taylor Swift.

The screen switches to Taylor Swift as she goes to stand next to Usain.

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)

Competitor number three - Batman.

The screen switches to Batman as he walks toward Usain and Taylor.

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)

These are the contestants. In just one week you will watch them fight each other to the death for one precious baked good made by Slushie Express. Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy this year’s Hungry Games and may the odds be ever in your flavor.

The contestants are standing around, waiting for further instructions.

SAIN Why are we just waiting here? I don’t like sitting still.

BATMAN

We have to wait for further instruction.

TAYLOR

Do you think the arena will have a recording studio?

USAIN

Shouldn’t someone be coming to help us?

A voice booms out-

ANNOUNCER

Usain Bolt, report to training.

USAIN

I guess we’ve gotta go to them.

Usain jogs into the next room. EMMIE, the trainer, appears.

EMMIE

Hello, Usain Bolt.

USAIN

Hello. Can we just get this over with? I want to get home as fast as I can.

EMMIE

You know, the Hungry Games cannot be won on speed alone.

USAIN

Please, person. Everything can be won on speed alone. You know how I know? Because I win everything.

EMMIE

No no no. Do you really think you can outrun Taylor Swift? One catchy chorus and a hooky lyric and you’re done.

USAIN

Well, what about Batman? That guy isn’t even special, just rich.

EMMIE

He can throw stars. You get hit by one of those and you’re done.

USAIN

So how am I supposed to win?

EMMIE

Instead of outrunning them, you can outsmart them.

USAIN

How? How? Please, you have got to tell me how!

A bell rings.

EMMIE

I’m sorry, your time is up. Please send in Batman.

USAIN

What? You can’t be serious, you were just about to tell me the secret to winning!

EMMIE

(announces) Batman, please report to the training area.

Usain starts getting pulled by an invisible hand.

USAIN

Wait, what’s happening? What’s pulling me? Help, heeeeelllllppppp...

Usain is pulled out of the room, Batman comes back.

EMMIE

Welcome.

BATMAN

I’m Batman.

EMMIE

I know, I’m the one who called you in here.

BATMAN

I was born in Gotham to uber rich parents. My father worked long hours at the office while my mom spent her days at the salon and cocktail parties. I had a charmed life for many years, skiing in Aspen on random weekdays, eating only the most expensive foods, never buying Big Macs but instead buying the entire McDonalds. It was wonderful. But then, one day, my parents were murdered before my very eyes. A madman who had been terrorizing Gotham got to them and my life changed instantly. From that moment on, I vowed to protect my city, more than the police, FBI, CIA, swat teams, army navy or air force ever could. I am Batman, and Gotham will never go unprotected again!

EMMIE

So your plan is to talk them to death?

BATMAN

Don’t you want to know all about me? I thought people could send us gifts and good wishes. Isn’t it important that they understand and like me?

EMMIE

What’s important is that you listen to all my tips and tricks, but you’ve used up all our time now, so good-bye.

BATMAN

What? But I need to know how to win.

EMMIE

Sorry, but I’m off the clock now. Please send in Taylor Swift and my replacement will help her out.

BATMAN

Please, miss, please!

An invisible hand pulls Batman away. Emmie leaves. A different trainer enters along with Taylor Swift.

NUTMEG

Hello, Taylor Swift. My name is Nutmeg. How can I help you?

TAYLOR

Aren’t you like, gonna help me? To like, survive?

NUTMEG

I’m here to help you make an expression. You look too surprised all the time. I want to see some anger, some grit, some of that We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together fierceness.

TAYLOR

But like, how is that gonna like, help me?

NUTMEG

You’re the tallest competitor in the group. As long as you can get them close to you, then you’ll be able to attack and takeover.

TAYLOR

How do I do that?

NUTMEG

Get to a guitar.

TAYLOR

So I can write a catchy song, stop people in their tracks, and then hit them in the head with my heavy guitar?

NUTMEG

Exactly.

TAYLOR

But isn’t that, like...bad?

NUTMEG

It’s kill or be killed, T. Swift. And you’d better be ready to do this thing, cuz everyone else is.

Blackout. Lights up. President Slush appears on screen, speaking to everyone in the nation.

PRESIDENT SLUSH

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining me on this fine day.

Backstage, Taylor and Nutmeg are speaking.

TAYLOR

I can’t do this, Nutmeg. It’s too much.

NUTMEG

Come on, Taylor, get it together, girl.

TAYLOR

But I don’t want to die.

NUTMEG

There’s a way to avoid that.

TAYLOR

But I also don’t want to kill.

NUTMEG

I don’t think you’re going to have a choice.

On screen.

PRESIDENT SLUSH

We have here today some of your favorite celebrities, the most popular people in the world. They are all beloved, they have all made giant contributions to the world, and now, they must fight to the death for a single baked good.

Backstage.

TAYLOR

No no no, this is impossible. I cannot harm my fellow famous people.

NUTMEG

Get a grip, girl. If you want to walk out of here all in one piece and with your heart still beating, you had better up your game and get ready to take those people down. It’s survival of the fittest, T. Swift, and that means there is no room for guilt or sadness. No mercy!

On screen.

PRESIDENT SLUSH

Now things might sometimes get a little difficult to watch, beloved child heroes attacking each other and whatnot, but it is all in the pursuit of honoring this nation and all that it has been through. There can be no national unity, there can be no pride, there can be no cake, without ample bloodshed.

Backstage. Taylor is starting to panic.

NUTMEG

Just get to a guitar, Taylor. That’s all you need. Get to a guitar and don’t get distracted by the boys!

On screen.

PRESIDENT SLUSH

Ladies and gentlemen. It is time. It is time for the greatest game we know and the one everyone looks forward to each year. We have Taylor Swift. We have Usain Bolt. We have Batman. All fighting to the death in the 67th Annual Hungry Games!

Backstage. The door on Taylor’s tube closes as she gets sent up to the Arena.

TAYLOR

Nutmeg!

NUTMEG

No mercy, Taylor, no mercyyyyyyyyy!

Taylor is brought up to the Arena, where Usain Bolt and Batman are also in their positions.

ANNOUNCER

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one - beep.

The players are released from their tubes and the Games begin. They scatter until they are as far as possible from each other. Taylor spots a guitar. She runs for and grabs it, escaping into the wilderness. Usain has disappeared. Batman grabs his stars and wanders around trying to find people.

BATMAN

Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? I thought it would be nice if we all got together and just talked this thing out. I was thinking that if we all just showed some teamwork, we wouldn’t have to compete in this thing. Wouldn’t that be fantastic?

Usain shows up.

USAIN

Hey, Batman. You wanted to see me?

Batman throws the stars but Usain is too fast and escapes.

BATMAN

Noooo!!! I just wasted half my ammo. Arggghghghghgh.

Suddenly, he hears a sweet sound. It is a catchy melody and hook he can’t help but bop along to.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Weeee, are never ever everrrrrrr getting back together-

The music stops playing, but Batman continues to sing as Taylor sneaks up on him.

BATMAN (CONT’D)

Weeee, are never ever everrrrrrr, getting back together-

Taylor hits Batman with the guitar and he drops to the ground. A loud boom is heard. Usain runs in.

USAIN

What was that?

He sees Taylor standing over Batman’s dead body.

USAIN (CONT’D)

Gasp! Taylor Swift, you killed Batman!

TAYLOR

And I’d do it all again if I had to.

Taylor starts playing.

TAYLOR (CONT’D)

Weeee, are never ever ever, getting back to-weeeee, are never ever everrrrr-

Usain covers his ears.

USAIN

No! I will not fall prey to that catchy pop gem. Curse you and Max Martin, that Swedish hook genius.

Usain goes to run away, but they are walled in.

TAYLOR

What’s the problem, Usain Bolt, nowhere to run to? I’m sure you’ll figure something out.

Taylor goes after Usain with her guitar, Usain ducks.

USAIN

Hey, look over there, a cute boy!

Taylor drops her guitar and turns.

TAYLOR

Where?

Usain picks up the guitar and hits Taylor with it. Boom. President Slush enters the arena.

PRESIDENT SLUSH

Usain Bolt! Congratulations, my speedy little friend. You have won the 67th Annual Hungry Games, by deftly taking out one of the most successful pop-country stars of all time, who had already done the dirty work of getting rid of Batman. Well done, young runner, well done. What do you have to say for yourself?

USAIN

I’d like to say I’m happy to stand here a winner, but I can’t, sir. I may have won, but I’ve lost two of my fellow celebrities. Batman because of this whole game, Taylor by my own hand. How can I go back now? How can I just forget everything that I’ve seen here? The horror of Hunger, the terror of treats, the crushing criminality of killing - it’s all just so awful. I don’t know how I can stand here and thank you all for supporting me, when I know your support for me means your work against my fellow human beings. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same, ever be as free or as fast as I was before these games. But I’ll spend every day trying to honor those whom we’ve lost, and trying to move past this horrible, horrible day.

PRESIDENT SLUSH

Well, I think you’ve said enough. And I think you’ve done enough. (Turning just to Usain so no one else can hear) And I think if you say or do anything more you will never see another Hungry Games in your life. (Back to the entire audience) And with that, let us celebrate the ending of yet another successful Hungry Games. (Assistant brings out a box to President Slush.) Thank you, assistant. Usain Bolt, I would like to present to you the reward for winning the Games. Please enjoy it as you wish. And remember- may the odds be ever in your flavor!

Blackout. End of play.