Beiber Saves Canada

Place: backstage at a massive arena

Time: now

CHARACTERS:

JUSTIN BEIBER

USHER

PRIME MINISTER HARPER

ANGELA MERKEL

This play was written for a student who loves Justin Beiber.

Justin Beiber finishes singing.

JUSTIN BEIBER

That’s it for tonight, y’all! Thanks for coming! Peace!

Justin scurries off the Stage. His mentor greets him.

USHER

Yo yo yo, man. How was the concert?

JUSTIN BEIBER

It was alright. Not as much screaming as there usually is. And there was a problem in the middle of the show- there was a group of moms who ran onto the Stage and tried to kidnap me. But other than that, it was a good show.

USHER

That’s so weird.

JUSTIN BEIBER

I know. Usually it’s the daughters who try to take me, although I have gotten some grandmas trying to steal me before.

USHER

That’s crazy, yo.

A large boom.

USHER (CONT’D)

What was that?

They look outside the window.

JUSTIN BEIBER

I don’t know. Did something blow up?

The phone rings. Usher picks it up.

USHER

Hello?

HARPER

This is Prime Minister Harper. May I please speak to Mr. Justin Bieber?

Usher hands the phone over to Justin.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Whazzup, yo?

HARPER

Mr. Beiber, this is Stephen Harper.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Who?

HARPER

Stephen Harper. Your prime minister.

JUSTIN BEIBER

My what?

HARPER

The leader of Canada.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Obama?

HARPER

Canada, Mr. Bieber.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Oh, hey, Mr. Canada.

HARPER

No, I- whatever. Yes, it is I, Mr. Canada.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Oh cool. Whazzup, yo?

HARPER

Mr. Bieber- our nation is in grave danger.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Oh no, dude. That’s such a mega bummer.

HARPER

Yes, it is. Anywho, we are being attacked, or rather threatened with an attack. Apparently, when you went to Germany, The Netherlands, and a few other countries, you were a bit- unCanadian. Which is to say, annoying and rude.

JUSTIN BEIBER

But Mr. Canada man, I’m just being me. I’m Justin Bieber and I gotta do what I gotta do. I don’t know how to do anything other than do me. And If I’m so bad, why are moms, grandmas, and their daughters all trying to kidnap me all the time? For reals, Mr. Canada, I just gotta be me. All I can be, is me, so I just gotta be me, yo.

HARPER

Yes, well I understand your need to...be you. But we are now being threatened by...all of Europe. Australia may join in, but we haven’t heard back from them yet. They would be on Europe’s side, though.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Dude, is this for real?

HARPER

Yes, Mr. Bieber. This is indeed for real.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Whoa.

Justin hangs up and goes back to his Gameboy.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Yo, Ush, can we order some pizza? I’m starving.

USHER

Justin! Did you just hang up on the Canadian prime minister?

JUSTIN BEIBER

Dude, relax, it was just some guy named Mr. Canada.

USHER

Well, what did he want?

JUSTIN BEIBER

He was just all about the negative, and all this really bad stuff.

A big boom.

USHER

Did it have anything to do with the big booms we keep hearing?

JUSTIN BEIBER

I don’t know.

Usher smacks the Gameboy out of Justin’s hands.

USHER

Listen, little man. The prime minister of your country is counting on you to save your own nation. Don’t you care about Canada?

JUSTIN BEIBER

Meh. My biggest tour money comes from the US.

USHER

There’s not going to be any tour if they destroy this good land! Now get off your boney butt and call him back now!

JUSTIN BEIBER

All right, mom. Jeez.

He returns the call

HARPER

Prime Minister Harper speaking.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Yo, I’m ready.

HARPER

Justin?

JUSTIN BEIBER

What?

HARPER

Okay. Here’s the plan. Everyone hates you, right?

JUSTIN BEIBER

Haters gonna hate, yo.

HARPER

Exactly. But there are also legions of young women who love you.

JUSTIN BEIBER

True that.

HARPER

So obviously, you must be doing something right.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Get to the point, dude.

HARPER

We need you to sing at them, but only with your catchiest pop tunes.

JUSTIN BEIBER

You want me to sing for people who hate me?

HARPER

Yes. Despite what’s going on in a person’s life, your songs are super catchy and can render a listener powerless. One chorus of baby baby baby oh!, or a very slick production of what sounds like a Justin Timberlake song, and they are putty in the palms of your hands. Now what do you say?

JUSTIN BEIBER

Yo yo yo yo yo let’s go!

HARPER

Wonderful! I’ll meet you outside in a jiff!

Justin runs outside, where the Prime Minister meets him.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Dude, who are all those people?

They look out- there are armies from every European country ready to blow up Canada.

HARPER

All right, Mr. Bieber. This is your chance to save our land. Go!

JUSTIN BEIBER

All right, ladies and gentlemen. I get that you’re angry. I get that you’re dressed for war. And I get that you don’t like me. But for just a moment, forget about all that...and just listen to the beat.

A Bieber song starts to play and the Biebs starts to dance.

HARPER

It’s working, it’s working! Look at them all!

The soldiers are starting to move to the beat. Resistance is futile. Chancellor Angela Merkel moves to the front.

MERKEL

Fine fine fine fine fine! We give up! You may live, Herr Bieber. And Canada as well. Those darn bass notes, so very catchy!

JUSTIN BEIBER

Thanks, lady. Are you somebody’s mom?

MERKEL

Let’s leave now before we want to ruin him again.

The armies exit.

HARPER

Well done, Mr. Beiber. You have saved your country and yourself. I couldn’t be happier.

JUSTIN BEIBER

Thanks, dude. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Gameboy to play!

Blackout. End of play.