Everybody Loves Katie

place: a local restaurant

time: spring 2013

CHARACTERS:

KATIE

TAYLOR

TIM

CARRIE

This play was written for my cousin on her birthday.


Taylor Swift, Tim McGraw, and Carrie Underwood are hanging out.

TAYLOR

Oh em geeeeee you guyzzzz. I am having, like, major problems right now.

TIM

What’s wrong, girl?

TAYLOR

I am like, totally about to go out on tour but I do not have a a BFF.

CARRIE

I’m missing a tour BFF too!

TIM

I’m best friends with Faith, but I could always use more people to hang out with.

TAYLOR

I am like, so totally mad at Kelly Pickler. She used to be my go-to girl and yet now, she has her own concert series and her own tour BFF.

CARRIE

I know, it’s like there’s no one out there who’s the perfect best friend.

TIM

Well, maybe I could help you out. What are you looking for in a tour best friend forever?

TAYLOR

Well, she like, totally has to like BLTs, because those are like, for serious, my most favorite sandwich ever.

CARRIE

And cole slaw. She’s gotta get the side of the cole slaw.

TAYLOR

She has to be really good at like, sports?

CARRIE

And she’s gotta have awesome boots.

TAYLOR

And if she could be tall and if her hair could be even curlier than mine is, then that would be like, the best.

TIM

But where are we gonna find a girl who does all that?

Katie walks in.

TAYLOR

Hey, nice height! And hair!

KATIE

Thank you, I grew it myself.

CARRIE

Who are you and what are you doing here?

KATIE

I’m Katie Madison McKeckney. I’m just here to get lunch.

TAYLOR

What are you having?

KATIE

A BLT with cole slaw.

Carrie and Taylor gasp!

TIM

Hey, Katie, what would you say to a game of basketball?

KATIE

I’d say get ready to get your butt kicked.

TIM

Whoa, them’s fighting words, girl. How ‘bout some baseball?

KATIE

I can play, and I can win, anything.

CARRIE

So what is it that you do, Katie?

KATIE

I’m a senior at Norwood High School and I’ll be attending the prom in the spring. I’m also a track star and was on the homecoming court.

CARRIE

Wow, you must be really busy.

KATIE

I am, but you know, that’s what happens when you’re awesome. It’s my blessing and my burden. Sigh.

TAYLOR

So are you, like, totally booked up and committed to this whole like, school thing?

KATIE

What do you mean?

CARRIE

Like, how would you feel about taking some time off and going on a tour?

KATIE

I don’t understand. I’m really not a singer.

TIM

You don’t have to be. I’m certainly not. But there is a very special role that these two gals are trying to fill.

TAYLOR

Oh my god Tim, just like, get to the point and cut to the chase. God, you are like, so totally old and stuff. Like for serious, why do you talk so much and never get to the point, and it’s like you don’t wanna do anything but hear your own voice and it’s like, oh my god aren’t you gonna stop talking soon and but you never do, and it’s like, uhhhh ermagahd, you need to stop talking, and it’s like, geesh yeesh nothing you ever say even like, makes totally any sense you know?

CARRIE

Anywho- what we need, Katie, is a tour BFF. Someone who’ll come out on the road with us and just be their usual, awesome self. I think you could be that person.

KATIE

I am pretty darn cool.

TIM

Oh wait, but aren’t you ladies going on different tours?

Taylor and Carrie suddenly eye each other.

CARRIE

Yeah, but my tour is going to be way better.

TAYLOR

Pshh nahhh. My tour is going to be the best. It’ll have cookies, candies, and high school boys. But those are for me. You can have the middle schoolers.

KATIE

I don’t know-

CARRIE

Oh, don’t listen to her, Katie, my tour is going to be the best. I’ll have Kelly’s bring us BLTs and cole slaw, I’ll have Old Navy give you tons of clothing, and I’ll even get the cast of High School Musical to give a reunion performance. I’m just that good.

TIM

Oh my god, can I come? No seriously, I love HSM. I’ve watched it with Faith and the girls at least fifty times, and then just by myself another hundred. I think the only person who loves it more than I do is Blake Shelton. He’s got the Zac Efron pillow case and sheet set. I don’t think Miranda really liked that too much.

TAYLOR

Oh my god, Katie, like do not, like, listen to him? Because he is an old man who is like, old and like, old. I mean for serious, he is so old! Ewwww.

CARRIE

Oh my god, Taylor, you are being so disrespectful.

TAYLOR

Oh whatever, Carrie Underwood. Oh, and you know, Miss Katie, that if you come on tour with me, you’ll get free Wonderstruck for life. And you know how expensive those bottles are.

KATIE

I don’t know about this. Both tours sound great, though Taylor’s does sound a little awkward and emotionally stunted, but I just don’t know. I’ve only got one season left of high school and I’m not sure I wanna miss it.

CARRIE

You know what, Katie? I’m gonna postpone my tour, just for you. We’ll make it into a summer blockbuster and you’ll be able to enjoy it as a post-high school experience of a lifetime.

TAYLOR

Ermagahhd, Carrie, that is so uncool.

TIM

Hey, ladies, I’ve got an idea.

TAYLOR

What is it, to like, be old?

TIM

No. Why don’t the two of you just go on tour together, and then you can both get Katie to be your tour BFF.

TAYLOR

Ermagahd, you are like, so totally correct and oh my god you’re so old and yet your brain is like, so totally still working?

CARRIE

Yeah, that is such a great idea, Tim. What do you say, Katie?

KATIE

So it would be during the summer? And I would get to finish out my four years of high school, and my fourteen years of school overall?

CARRIE

Of course. That’s a really huge accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself. We’ll make sure you have all the fun of your senior spring and then have the greatest summer ever by coming on tour with us and being our bestie.

TIM

Hey, do you think I could stop by and do some duets?

CARRIE

Of course, Tim. We’d love to have you. And if you could bring Faith then that would be really great.

TIM

Aw, cool. We’re going on tour, y’all!

CARRIE

Going on tour, y’all.

TAYLOR

Oh my god, we are like, so totally going on tour together you guys, and I am like, so totally excited and like-

CARRIE

AND TIM To the tour!

They all cheer, as Taylor trails off. Blackout. End of play.