Life's a Zoo

place: a recording studio

time: now

CHARACTERS:

BEN - PLAYS TIGER, LION

FAYE

KATIE

VICTORIA - PLAYS PB

JENNIFER - PLAYS BIG BEAR

Ben is recording his dialogue for the new animated film, “Life’s a Zoo”. He plays multiple animals.

TIGER

And then I said, I am Tiger, hear me roar!

LION

Oh please, Tiger, there is no way that you did that.

TIGER

I know you don’t believe me, Mr. Lion, but believe it. I roared, and I was heard.

FAYE

Cut!

BEN

What? That was good.

FAYE

Yeah it was, but I’ve got another couple of actors who have to come in.

BEN

What? We don’t ever record people together.

FAYE

Well, that’s the news from above.

Victoria and Jennifer walk in.

BEN

Oh no. Not these two.

VICTORIA

Yes, Ben. It’s us. Only one of the most successful double-acts in comedy.

JENNIFER

Just because you’ve lost the Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, and Tony to us, doesn’t mean you should be mad. It means you should be wicked mad.

FAYE

Guys, if we could all please just get along. This is a huge production and I’d like it to go as smoothly as possible.

Katie walks in.

KATIE

Listen up, y’all. I am the director of this film and I am the one who decided that you should all be here, together. I wanted to try something different, so stop complaining and get to work.

JENNIFER

I have no problem with it.

VICTORIA

Me neither.

BEN

I guess I don’t have a problem, even though these girls are evil.

KATIE

Ben, I’m not paying you a million dollars to talk about them.

FAYE

If you guys could hurry up, we’ve only got so much studio time.

They get back in position in the booth.

FAYE (CONT’D)

Three, two-

Faye motions for them to go.

PB

Ugh, I’m so hot.

TIGER

It’s snowing.

PB

Well, I’m sorry I’m a polar bear and am used to my wonderful subzero temperatures. Honestly, it’s like a sauna in here.

BIG BEAR

Hey, girl. Look what I just found!

In the movie, Victoria will be holding up a zookeeper, who is nervously dangling in her paw.

PB

Big Bear, you can’t do that.

BIG BEAR

What? Look how cute he is! I just wanted to play with him.

PB

No, we don’t play with the humans.

BIG BEAR

Wait, so they can take us from the Arctic all the way to America, and yet we can’t even have some fun with them? That is ridiculous.

TIGER

Isn’t it?

PB

This was an A B conversation, so if you could just C your way out, that’d be great.

TIGER

Oh, so you’re not interested in hearing a good idea.

PB

No-

BIG BEAR

Wait wait wait- hear him out. Tigers get good ideas all the time-

Big Bear and PB burst out laughing.

TIGER

Laugh all you want, but I know a way to get out of here.

Their ears all perk up.

TIGER (CONT’D)

I’ve been studying some science, and I think I have a way to stop the electric fence from hurting us.

BIG BEAR

Psshawww.

TIGER

Hand me the tool belt from that Zookeeper.

In the film, Big Bear takes the still scared Zookeeper’s toolbelt and gives it to Tiger. Tiger walks up to an electrical box and does stuff. Suddenly, a loud clunk is heard. Tiger touches the fence and there is no more current. Everyone gasps.

PB

How did you do that?!

TIGER

I told you, I’ve been studying. All right everyone, let’s go.

PB

Wait, aren’t we going to help all the other animals?

TIGER

I would, but then we’ll be more likely to get caught. I don’t wanna put anyone’s life at risk. These humans, they’ll just start shooting. They brought us here and then they’re happy to just end us whenever they want to. We can come back for the others at a later time. Right now, I just wanna get out there into the jungle.

PB

Let’s go!

BIG BEAR

Let’s go!

FAYE

Cut!!! Wow, guys, that was great.

KATIE

Yes, brava. That wasn’t so bad, was it.

BEN

Call me when my DVD money comes in.

JENNIFER

Peace out, y’all.

Blackout. End of play.