The Dojo

Place: Norwood, MA

Time: now

CHARACTERS:

HOOLIGAN 1

HOOLIGAN 2

HOOLIGAN 3

DANNY

FAYE

FAYE’S MOM

VICTORIA

TAYLOR SWIFT

Hooligans are out and about, dangerously loitering in front of the Dojo.

HOOLIGAN 1

Dude, what are we doing here?

HOOLIGAN 2

Danny said he had something big to do.

HOOLIGAN 3

What is it? How come he didn’t come early?

HOOLIGAN 2

I dunno, maybe he’s getting something ready.

HOOLIGAN 1

Well he’s better get here soon. It’s Thursday afternoon and I got things to do. I’m wasting my time here when I could be watching perfectly good Reba reruns.

HOOLIGAN 2

Aww, can it, Kirby. If Danny says we should be here, then we should be here.

HOOLIGAN 3

Hey, there’s the knucklehead now.

Danny turns the corner.

DANNY

Sup, boys?

HOOLIGAN 3

Well well well if it isn’t his majesty.

DANNY

What? Why the hostility, Johnny Boy? You gotta keep it cool, boy. Real cool.

Hooligan 3 is clearly agitated, waiting for Danny’s instructions.

DANNY (CONT’D)

All right all right all right. I hope you all got your black belts, because today, this day, this afternoon...we are taking out my most notorious enemy.

HOOLIGAN 2

Who’s that?

DANNY

The one and only...Miss Faye Remington.

They all gasp in terror!

HOOLIGAN 2

But Danny, she’s the fiercest karate kid in all of Norwood! And she’s got oodles of friends who would die defending her.

DANNY

Exactly. All I want to do is cause chaos in this town, and she’s the one stopping me. I get rid of Faye, I get rid of the problem.

Blackout. Lights up. Faye and her party guests are learning some wicked cool moves.

FAYE

This is so much fun! I’m so glad you all came out here to join in on my birthday fun.

VICTORIA

Hey, Faye. I’m loving this party. I’m learning so many awesome self-defense moves.

TAYLOR SWIFT

Yeah, Faye, this has been amazing. And your cake was fabu-fan-tabulous. And you know how rarely I combine words.

FAYE

Thanks, guys, and thanks to everyone who came out to my party. It’s been a real blast having everyone together. I know it’s my birthday, but it’s really just a chance for all of us to get together and have fun. That and getting loads of presents.

FAYE'S MOM

Well now that we’ve had the cake and everyone seems a bit tuckered out, why don’t we pop out and have some tea and scones and crumpets.

They exit and are immediately confronted by the malicious group known only as the Jackson 4. (They were unable to find a fifth member.)

FAYE

Well, what in the world are you doing here?

DANNY

Oh I’m just hanging out. And taking you out!

He whips a nunchuck at Faye’s Mom, knocking her to the ground.

FAYE

How dare you, good sir!

DANNY

I can do anything I want! I’m Danny, of the Jackson 4! I am here to Take. You. Out.

FAYE

Not if I can help it!

Faye does her karate moves. Quickly, her birthday pals join in, having just learned some good self-defense moves. A fight ensues. There is blood, there is sweat, and there are tears. At last!, though, Faye and her gang are victorious.

FAYE (CONT’D)

I don’t want you coming back here any time soon. Heck, I don’t want you coming back, ever!

DANNY

(whimpering) You may have won this one, Faye, but I am still very victorious. For it is I, Danny McDanny, who has just killed your mother!

FAYE'S MOM

Not so fast, buddy boy!

They all turn and gasp.

FAYE'S MOM (CONT’D)

For the past few months I have been working undercover, trying to catch those who grow the seeds of destruction in the underbelly of my beloved Norwood.

She unzips her hoodie to reveal a nunchuk-proof vest.

FAYE'S MOM (CONT’D)

I’m sorry you had to think that I was dead, Faye, but it was the only thing I could do to protect you.

FAYE

It’s cool.

DANNY

Fine, I’m outta here. I’ll go terrorize another town. Maybe Walpole, maybe Dedham. But this ain’t the last you’ll see of me. I promise.

FAYE

And I promise that we’ll crush you, just as we did right now. Now you get outta here!

Danny and the Jackson 4 limp/scurry away. Everyone holds up Faye as they chant, “Faye, Faye, Faye, Faye!” Blackout. End of play.